Considering the Super Bowl and the walk down memory lane with some of the most incredible hip hop and R&B artists, this week’s topic brings me to my twenties in the 90s. MJB’s album What’s the 411 gave me life as I unknowingly struggled with my mental health. Her album helped me to cope with disappointment and celebrate the good times. However, the difficult times proved to be my catalyst of feeling I wasn’t good enough contributing to my mental health struggles.
For starters, I didn’t return to college, I felt like a misfit, I had a fallen out with my dad, and the relationship with the person who will be my daughter’s father fell apart. For me, a young adult with no money or a decent-paying job, my options were limited. I had very little financial literacy, meaning I couldn’t balance a checkbook, limited mental maturation on acquiring an apartment, paying utilities, or buying groceries. Subsequently, contributing to my mental health struggles.
In my second year of college, I was placed on academic probation. Earning academic probation status was nothing to be proud of, and as I said to my younger self in a prior blog post, it wasn’t worth the hangover. First, I returned home and truly felt like a misfit. Second, I would stay out of my parents’ way. Third, I was so ashamed. Quite honestly, I preferred invisibility than dealing with mental health awareness. I couldn’t look my dad and mom in the face and see disappointment. Don’t get me wrong, my parents never made me feel like I was a disappointment, but I also knew that they knew my potential.
My relationship fell apart shortly after I made the mistake of disrespecting my dad. I cussed at my dad after he’d expressed his concern about my then-boyfriend. Disrespect wasn’t tolerated in my parents’ home, so I had to leave. A choice resulting in my sleeping from sofa to sofa. Later leasing an apartment that I couldn’t afford on my Rally’s wages. The County Sheriff repossessed furniture I rented. Eventually, after the birth of my first child, I was able to get low-income housing and government assistance. Then, I couldn’t fully comprehend my dad’s disappointment. Nor was I willing to confront my mental health struggles. Now I know my father wanted me to understand the integrity of a man and knew the path I’d chosen would be complicated.
During all this transition, I wasn’t mentally ready for the complications in my relationship. He and I were young and lacked efficient communication skills, managing daily life. The situation was mentally taxing, and preferring invisibility shaped a narrative in mind. It offered me the excuse to choose invisibility for many years instead of invincibility. I decided incorrectly, and as a result, anxiety followed.
My silver lining was a radio that I received as a Christmas gift several years prior. My daughter and I listened to the Doug Banks show every day, where I had my cassette ready to record Mary J Blige’s “You Remind Me.” I played the song a lot and kept a pencil handle just in case I had to wind the tape. The song’s lyrics were my shadow because I didn’t see the love for myself for many days, no confident walk, talk, or dress. Truly, I was struggled with my mental health. But today!
I reclaim my power. I will walk and talk with confidence. My deja vu is the excellent relationship with my father and the respected friendship with my daughter’s father. Most importantly, I have learned to give myself grace in my tears. My older sister had my back while trying to do life herself. She gave me a sofa to sleep on and brought me clothing to wear. She told me to keep going, and I want to thank her.
Life brings many challenges, but there is healing in song—compelling lyrics. For me, music in the 90s did that then and now. I am grateful for Mary J Blige’s musical abilities. Listen, ladies, hold on. Don’t be afraid of memory, and don’t keep playing the negative repeatedly in your mind. Instead, continue to grow. Fight. Invisibility.